Friday, February 6, 2015

Zombies. As classified by the U.S. Government (sort of)

(apologies for the formatting.  it was actually worse.  this is as much time as i am willing to put into fixing it.)


6. (U) Zombie threat summary:
a. (U) CONPLAN 8888 is designed to address the following types of zombie threats:

i. (U) Pathogenic Zombies (PZ):
1. (U) PZ's are zombie life forms created after an organism is infected by a virus or bacteria or
some other form of contagion

ii. (U) Radiation Zombies (RZ):

1. (U) RZ's are zombie life forms created after an organism is infected by a extreme dosage of
electromagnetic and/or particle radiation

iii. (U) Evil Magic Zombies (EMZ):

1. (U) EMZ's are zombie life forms created via some form of occult experimentation in what
might otherwise be referred to as "evil magic"

iv. (U) Space Zombies (SZ):

1. (U) SZ's are zombie life forms originating from space or created by toxic contamination of
the earth environment via some form of extra-terrestrial toxin or radiation

2. (U) "Zombie satellites" can be classified as SZ's, however they pose no danger to humans
(unless they conduct an unplanned de-orbit). Typically, zombie satellites only pose a threat
the SATCOM services like DirectTV (Refer to Galaxy 15 incident-May 2010)

v. (U) Weaponized Zombies (WZ):

1. (U) WZ's are zombie life forms deliberately created via bio/bio-mechanical engineering for
the purpose of being employed as weapons. Zombie weaponization programs and supporting
infrastructures are included in COAs to deal with these threats.

2. (U) The movie "The Crazies" exemplifies the most common type of WZ (humans turned
into zombies via exposure to toxic chemicals/gasses)

vi. (U) Symbiant-Induced Zombies (SIZ):

1. (U) SIZ's are zombie life forms originating from the introduction of a symbiant life form into
an otherwise healthy host. Although the symptoms of symbiant zombieism is similar in most
regards to pathogenic zombeism, the symbiant does not kill the host organism quickly, or at all.
However, there is no known way to save an organism after zombiesm has occurred-even if the
symbiant is removed.

vii. (U) Vegetarian Zombies (VZ):

1. (U) VZ's are zombie life forms originating from any cause but pose no direct threat to
humans because they only eat plant life (as indicated in the popular game "Plants Vs.
Zombies"). Although VZ's do not attack humans or other animal life, they will consume all
plant life in front of them. They can cause massive de-forestation or elimination of basic food
crops essential to humans (rice, corn, soybeans).

2. (U) Of note, where normal carniverouse zombie commonly groan the word "brains" semicomprehensibly,
VZ's can be identified by their aversion to humans, affinity for plants and their
tendency to semi-comprehensibly groan the word "grains".

viii. (U) Chicken Zombies (CZ)

1. (U) Although it sounds ridiculous, this is actually the only proven class of zombie that
actually exists.

2. (U) CZ's were first documented in Jonathan M. Forrester's 4 Dec 2006 online article
"Zombie Chickens Taking Over California".

3. (U) CZ's occur when old hens that can no longer lay eggs are incorrectly euthanized by
poultry farmers using carbon monoxide. The hens are then deposited in large piles to
decompose. The hens appear to be dead when buried, but inexplicably come back to life and dig
themselves out from the piles of dead chickens. After reaching the surface, CZ's stagger about
for a period of time before ultimately expiring due to internal organ failure.

4. (U) CZ's are simply terrifying to behold and are likely only to make people become
vegetarians in protest to animal cruelty. They appear to be no direct threat to humans. They are
different from WZ's because they are the result of actions taken to kill a living organism vice
actions taken to deliberately re-animate dead organisms or impair life functions to a minimal

No comments: