Wednesday, November 23, 2011


I should post super phenomenal things on here (as if my below funeral preparations aren't super phenomenal...)

Here's your super phenomena today:

Post: post. Post.

They say every little girl dreams about her wedding.  And every bride wants her dream wedding.  Well if my wedding day ever comes, mine is all planned out.  But that's a big "if", not an eventuality.

More of an eventuality is your funeral.  Well, your death for sure.  If you die a bitter old hag with no friends, the funeral may not occur.

Let's assume I don't die a bitter old hag with no friends.  Let's just assume I die bitter...

I'm not obsessed with death.  It's not something I enjoy thinking about.  If you think too much about it, you're liable to become religious...  (side note, is that the appropriate use of "liable"?  is this just some hillbilly phrase that really makes no sense?)

What I have spent time pondering, is my funeral.

One conundrum I have:  Is the funeral for me, or for those in attendance?  Should the funeral be planned according to my wishes, or what is most comforting to the "grievers"?  I mean, I'm gone after all.  They're still here; left with the heart wrenching sorrow of knowing they'll never get to see my cynical ass again...

I'm going to operate on the assumption that the funeral is for me.

Aurora, you are the current holder of my life insurance policy, so take note (although I've expressed most of this already).

Request one - The funeral should be open casket.  Regardless of the condition of my body.

Exhibit A:
The funeral for the charred remains of Soviet Cosmonaut, Vladimir Komarov.

I think it helps with closure.  People should at least be given the opportunity to see the body.  If I died in a horrible accident, feel free to warn people before they enter the space.  I do think we are all attracted to the macabre and grotesque and I have no problem with my last act being a grotesque freak show.

Request two - There should be booze and food present at the funeral.

Ideally, there will be rocks glasses, personalized with my name, dates, and perhaps my photo and a Mark Twain quote.  

These will be handed out as you enter the space.  There should be a bartender serving Whiskey (Bourbon, Scotch, and Irish), coffee/espresso, and water.

There should be a grilled cheese sandwich station.

Request three - The bible will not be involved.

I have little to no respect for that book and want it in no way involved.  If spirituality should be needed, Rumi should suffice.

Readings from Twain and Hunter S. Thompson would be nice.

Request four - Open mic.

Anyone who wishes to speak may.  There should be someone running this show that starts things off with an off-colour story to make sure people feel comfortable saying whatever they wish.  The only person they could possibly offend is my mother and a few uncles, and I hope they do.  Though I'd rather my mother not be in attendance assuming she outlives me.  I realize this could prove uncomfortable and difficult, so I won't insist she be forced out.  I will insist she has nothing to do with the planning.

Request five - The space.

It should be obvious, I don't want this to happen in a church.  Let's just go ahead and have it inside to avoid weather related problems.  I can't think of a good location at the moment, so for now, I'll leave that up to the responsible parties when I kick off.

Request six - Attire.

I won't say that people shouldn't wear black, as some people just prefer to wear black regardless, but I would like to encourage people to  Not party attire, not business attire.  Not funeral or wedding attire.  That one outfit that you always want to wear, but never seem to have the place?  My funeral is that place.  If that means a little black dress, do it.  If that means that ape costume you got at a really good deal, but just never found the occasion, do it.

As for me?  Well, make sure my hair and makeup are good.  Maybe put a hat on me.  I look good in hats.  Just make sure I look good, and I look like me.  Don't put me in some Amish frilly dress.  And if I am just charred can definitely still put a hat on that.

Request seven - balloons.

I think this will be...cathartic?  Whatever, I want balloons.  As people are dismissed, they should be handed a balloon, printed with maybe my face?  Or maybe just a few words, "Bye!" or "Thanks!"  or "Poop!".  And then everyone stands together and lets them go.

Is this good for the environment?  No.  But I do my part every day, give me this one time.  And if you can find eco-friendly balloons, then go for it.  But if not, I really don't care.

Request eight - There will be...more...booze

Obviously after the funeral, there will be a great drinking session.  Please take care to make sure everyone gets home safely so that there are no funerals caused by my funeral.

Request nine - Cremation

Obviously I am following no order here.  Make sure I'm cremated.  Where do the ashes go?  Well I have this romantic notion that my heart be cremated separately and given to my...husband?  But really, that just puts too much pressure on a person to not move on, so don't do that (but feel free to write that into a book or movie...)

Back to the ashes....  Well, somebody take a trip somewhere that I haven't made it to yet, and scatter em somewhere.  I don't care.

And now that I think about it, if there is a better use of my body, feel free to do that.  Body farm, etc.  Just make sure I'm not buried.

Request ten - Slideshow!

Yeah!  Goddamn slideshow!  All those damn pictures I take.  Mostly of my travels, but feel free to throw in social pics as well.  Run that through the whole service, might help jog people's memory for stories they want to share.

Request eleven - Music.

I have no ideas here really.  A 21 banjo salute?  I'm not even sure what that entails, but it might be nice during the balloon release.

I'm really perplexed by this, as obviously music should be a big part of this thing.  Maybe I'll start working on a playlist for my funeral.

Well, eleven seems like a good stopping point.  Perhaps I'll add more here.  In the event of internet melt down, it may behoove some of you to print this out.  

Thanks for reading!