Today's Super

Nothing to see here

Just a wish list.  I won't call it a bucket list.  Maybe I should call it a Happen List.  Because it will...happen.

North Korea.
Antarctica.
Alaska (like Antarctica, but with less death and more recreation, but without penguins...i think).
El Camino de Santiago.
Transiberian Railway.
Gluttonous all-inclusive resort.


**While "Gluttonous" can be "Glutinous"...they are different words.

Super

Here's the Super for today.

5,4,2,1

When I was little, I thought there was a set amount of time that existed between closing your eyes, and falling asleep.  As such, any opening of the eyes functioned like a reset button.  Even as a child I loved sleep, because I can remember doing my damnedest to not open my eyes and "restart" the countdown.

Sometimes I still think this way.

Super

I should post super phenomenal things on here (as if my below funeral preparations aren't super phenomenal...)

Here's your super phenomena today:

Post: post. Post.

They say every little girl dreams about her wedding.  And every bride wants her dream wedding.  Well if my wedding day ever comes, mine is all planned out.  But that's a big "if", not an eventuality.

More of an eventuality is your funeral.  Well, your death for sure.  If you die a bitter old hag with no friends, the funeral may not occur.

Let's assume I don't die a bitter old hag with no friends.  Let's just assume I die bitter...

I'm not obsessed with death.  It's not something I enjoy thinking about.  If you think too much about it, you're liable to become religious...  (side note, is that the appropriate use of "liable"?  is this just some hillbilly phrase that really makes no sense?)

What I have spent time pondering, is my funeral.

One conundrum I have:  Is the funeral for me, or for those in attendance?  Should the funeral be planned according to my wishes, or what is most comforting to the "grievers"?  I mean, I'm gone after all.  They're still here; left with the heart wrenching sorrow of knowing they'll never get to see my cynical ass again...

I'm going to operate on the assumption that the funeral is for me.

Aurora, you are the current holder of my life insurance policy, so take note (although I've expressed most of this already).

Request one - The funeral should be open casket.  Regardless of the condition of my body.

Exhibit A:
The funeral for the charred remains of Soviet Cosmonaut, Vladimir Komarov.

I think it helps with closure.  People should at least be given the opportunity to see the body.  If I died in a horrible accident, feel free to warn people before they enter the space.  I do think we are all attracted to the macabre and grotesque and I have no problem with my last act being a grotesque freak show.



Request two - There should be booze and food present at the funeral.

Ideally, there will be rocks glasses, personalized with my name, dates, and perhaps my photo and a Mark Twain quote.  


These will be handed out as you enter the space.  There should be a bartender serving Whiskey (Bourbon, Scotch, and Irish), coffee/espresso, and water.

There should be a grilled cheese sandwich station.





Request three - The bible will not be involved.

I have little to no respect for that book and want it in no way involved.  If spirituality should be needed, Rumi should suffice.

Readings from Twain and Hunter S. Thompson would be nice.




Request four - Open mic.

Anyone who wishes to speak may.  There should be someone running this show that starts things off with an off-colour story to make sure people feel comfortable saying whatever they wish.  The only person they could possibly offend is my mother and a few uncles, and I hope they do.  Though I'd rather my mother not be in attendance assuming she outlives me.  I realize this could prove uncomfortable and difficult, so I won't insist she be forced out.  I will insist she has nothing to do with the planning.



Request five - The space.

It should be obvious, I don't want this to happen in a church.  Let's just go ahead and have it inside to avoid weather related problems.  I can't think of a good location at the moment, so for now, I'll leave that up to the responsible parties when I kick off.



Request six - Attire.

I won't say that people shouldn't wear black, as some people just prefer to wear black regardless, but I would like to encourage people to dress...fun?  Not party attire, not business attire.  Not funeral or wedding attire.  That one outfit that you always want to wear, but never seem to have the place?  My funeral is that place.  If that means a little black dress, do it.  If that means that ape costume you got at a really good deal, but just never found the occasion, do it.

As for me?  Well, make sure my hair and makeup are good.  Maybe put a hat on me.  I look good in hats.  Just make sure I look good, and I look like me.  Don't put me in some Amish frilly dress.  And if I am just charred remains...you can definitely still put a hat on that.



Request seven - balloons.

I think this will be...cathartic?  Whatever, I want balloons.  As people are dismissed, they should be handed a balloon, printed with maybe my face?  Or maybe just a few words, "Bye!" or "Thanks!"  or "Poop!".  And then everyone stands together and lets them go.

Is this good for the environment?  No.  But I do my part every day, give me this one time.  And if you can find eco-friendly balloons, then go for it.  But if not, I really don't care.



Request eight - There will be...more...booze

Obviously after the funeral, there will be a great drinking session.  Please take care to make sure everyone gets home safely so that there are no funerals caused by my funeral.




Request nine - Cremation

Obviously I am following no order here.  Make sure I'm cremated.  Where do the ashes go?  Well I have this romantic notion that my heart be cremated separately and given to my...husband?  But really, that just puts too much pressure on a person to not move on, so don't do that (but feel free to write that into a book or movie...)

Back to the ashes....  Well, somebody take a trip somewhere that I haven't made it to yet, and scatter em somewhere.  I don't care.

And now that I think about it, if there is a better use of my body, feel free to do that.  Body farm, etc.  Just make sure I'm not buried.




Request ten - Slideshow!

Yeah!  Goddamn slideshow!  All those damn pictures I take.  Mostly of my travels, but feel free to throw in social pics as well.  Run that through the whole service, might help jog people's memory for stories they want to share.



Request eleven - Music.

I have no ideas here really.  A 21 banjo salute?  I'm not even sure what that entails, but it might be nice during the balloon release.

I'm really perplexed by this, as obviously music should be a big part of this thing.  Maybe I'll start working on a playlist for my funeral.



Well, eleven seems like a good stopping point.  Perhaps I'll add more here.  In the event of internet melt down, it may behoove some of you to print this out.  

Thanks for reading!

9/11 thoughts

So I addressed the "Where were you when" subject on my other blog.  This is not that blog.  This is the blog for sometimes offensive banter.

It makes me angry every time I hear someone say "I missed my bus that morning, God was really looking out for me." or "If I had stayed that extra minute to chat to my boss, it would have been me.  God has a plan for me."

So, that leads to the logical conclusion that the person who caught the wrong bus and ended up at the World Trade Center at the wrong time, or switched flights and ended up on Flight 93, or maybe just checked their watch an extra time before crossing the street in Nebraska which placed them directly in line to be hit by a drunk driver; all of these people God has forsaken right?  God has no plan for them, and really just doesn't give a shit.  Or maybe they were all bad people?

Maybe that's it.  All the people that narrowly escaped death are good people, and will go to cure cancer.  And all the people that died were murderers and rapists.

Wait, that doesn't make sense does it?

Right, and God wasn't specially looking out for you.  But hey, if that forces you to go be a better person and help others, more power to you, but if you choose to believe it's because God was looking out for you, be prepared to also accept that God purposefully knocked off that woman who only changed her flight so that she could spend  the day with her husband on his birthday.

"Who is that away up there in the sky climing like a bird in the morning" Ax Me No Questions asked the father.

"He was singing too happy," replied the father.  "The songs came out of his neck and made him so light the balloons pulled him off his stilts."

"Will he ever come down again back to his own people?"

"Yes, his heart will get heavy when his songs are all gone.  Then he will drop down to his stilts again."

Having a failure day.  Not a day of failing attempts, a day feeling like a failure.  Like the total embodiment of a failure.  Outside perspective would say I'm quite the winner, but outside perspective would take gas station attendants into account for comparison.  These bad moods aren't the kind Chekov was talking about when he said sometimes it's nice to just coddle your bad mood and revel in it.  These are the soul breaching moods.  The moods that send those with suicidal tendencies to the brink.  These are the moods that make me buy plane tickets.

I didn't do that.

I'm working on getting out of these moods when they come.  Self improvement helps, but maybe on a small scale.  I sure as hell am not working on my Statement of Purpose in this mood, that will just remind me that I'm fast approaching 30 years old going back to college with no work experience.  PUSH IT DOWN.  Not healthy right?  Right.

So instead, I went to the grocery store and I bought some things to cook with.  I used my credit card.  I'm not supposed to do that.  But sometimes rules have to be broken, or else necks get broken?  Something gets broken, a dish maybe.  A fingernail at least.

I bought healthy things.  I also bought a box of Kraft Mac n Cheese, because you have to allow some bad with the good.

Well shit.  That may be about the most profound statement today, and it involved Mac n Cheese.

- eavesdropping on convos

"I'm getting ready for the millions coming to us.  I'm working here handling millions for the government in preparation for the millions coming to us.  I know it's coming.  You had a good dream, mama had a good dream a month ago, I had a good dream about a month ago.  It's coming...(pause)...See that was the devil that made the call drop.  You say good things out loud, the devil just wants to shut you down.  You know the devil made the call drop."