Thursday, August 4, 2011

Having a failure day.  Not a day of failing attempts, a day feeling like a failure.  Like the total embodiment of a failure.  Outside perspective would say I'm quite the winner, but outside perspective would take gas station attendants into account for comparison.  These bad moods aren't the kind Chekov was talking about when he said sometimes it's nice to just coddle your bad mood and revel in it.  These are the soul breaching moods.  The moods that send those with suicidal tendencies to the brink.  These are the moods that make me buy plane tickets.

I didn't do that.

I'm working on getting out of these moods when they come.  Self improvement helps, but maybe on a small scale.  I sure as hell am not working on my Statement of Purpose in this mood, that will just remind me that I'm fast approaching 30 years old going back to college with no work experience.  PUSH IT DOWN.  Not healthy right?  Right.

So instead, I went to the grocery store and I bought some things to cook with.  I used my credit card.  I'm not supposed to do that.  But sometimes rules have to be broken, or else necks get broken?  Something gets broken, a dish maybe.  A fingernail at least.

I bought healthy things.  I also bought a box of Kraft Mac n Cheese, because you have to allow some bad with the good.

Well shit.  That may be about the most profound statement today, and it involved Mac n Cheese.


Michael Arrowood said...

I think you're a winner, if that counts for anything. Actually I'm trying to lose or redefine the winner/loser concept right now, but I know what you mean. I struggle with the same stuff. People on the outside don't see it. But you've got a lot going on, and I'm impressed.

Here's a free quote from my meditation for today (it's Emerson): "It is a luxury to be understood." I think I understand. Hang in there, amazing things right around the corner.

Shelly said...

Mac n Cheese makes everything better! Im happy to see you know how to cook. ;-)

And you know your not a failure girl think of everything you have done, all the adventures we have survived and the places you have been. You not one of these people who have not even left their city or not ever pushed thier comfy little boundaries.